What Am I Supposed To Do Now?
by CBloom2
Summary: SPOILERS FOR 29TH APRIL - if you haven't seen it, then don't read this. Kind of a continuation from the final heartbreaking scene. I've still got that scene etched in my memory and I think I will for a while. It's short and I don't think you'll need tissues to read this.


**So, last night - that was an episode wasn't it? I'm still a bit of a mess if truth be told. Kind of knew it was coming but it didn't stop it from feeling like a sucker punch when it happened! I kept it together until the final scene with Ethan - right from when he arrived in the ED to when he broke down - oh my god, George was amazing! Finished me off.**

 **Anyway couldn't rest this morning until I'd written something so this is it. It's short and probably not that good, but I feel more relaxed now it's written.**

 **As always I don't own anyone that you recognise - if I did then...well you can imagine what I wouldn't have done.**

 **What Am I Supposed To Do?**

My legs are like jelly - I can barely breathe. How can life change so quickly?

I glance up once more through rivers of tears, hoping...

But no! His eyes are still closed. His chest is not moving. His heart is not beating. My brother...my big brother, who had always been a thorn in my side, but yet the world had always been a better place with him in it, was dead. His eyes would never open again. I would never see that smile or hear his laughter again. I would never hear the dreaded "Nibbles" again. He was gone!

My legs give way again as I fight to stay upright, clinging onto the bed, clinging on to my brother. The tears will not stop - they're choking me.

Suddenly, I feel gentle arms around me, helping me to stay afloat. I manage to glance round to see Charlie's pain filled face - his eyes red as the tears course down his face, "I've got you Ethan," he told me.

But I don't want him, "I want my brother!" I hear myself demand as he inclines his head, "I know you do. I'm so sorry..."

Sorry doesn't cut it - not this time.

My chest tightens as my vision begins to dim. I lurch to my feet as I drag myself out of his grasp. I stagger out of the doors, where I see all my friends still stood in the exact same places they were when I came in. Connie reaches out for me but I manage to dodge her, "I need some air," I manage to rasp out as somehow I manage to run towards the entrance, ignoring my friends shouting my name.

The doors bang closed behind me as I step out into the pouring rain. I'm already soaked to the skin but I don't care. What will it matter if I catch pnuemonia? Cal will look after me...only he won't now will he?

Water is running rivers down my face - is it the rain or are they fresh tears? I don't know. My feet keep moving but something catches my eye near the alleyway at the side of the hospital. I pick it up and realise that it's a phone. With trembling hands, I turn it on to see mine and Cal's faces smiling back at me - the picture that we had took at the coast those few months ago.

My stomach plummeted as I realised that this was the place where my brother had lost his life. Not for the first time that night I couldn't catch my breath. I doubled over, the rain pounding on my back as I slid to my knees. I sobbed and howled into the storm until once more I felt gentle hands on my shoulders, "Oh Ethan, please come inside."  
I looked round to see Connie peering down at me. Connie Beauchamp, whom I will always think of as my boss (Sam never did it for me), her hair plastered to her face, soaked to the bone, yet her face showed nothing other than concern and sadness. I felt her begin to help me back to my feet, steadying me when I faltered.

"This is where..." I began.

She nodded kindly as she guided me back towards the hospital, "I know..." was all she said as she pulled me a bit closer to her. For a split second, I felt safe once more, until it all washed over me again.

I stopped at the entrance to the ED - dread knawing at me. I turned to my boss, who was now just being my friend, "What am I supposed to do now?"

 **That's it for now. I'm sure there will be more to come in the following weeks.**

 **We need to keep the Cal/Ethan stories coming - I'm sure there's so much more we can write for them. I can't lose these stories as well as Cal!**

 **I realise that his phone will probably be in the evidence bag we see Ethan with in next week's episode, and that it had been out in the rain, but perhaps it had fallen out of his pocket and had been sheltered from the worst of the rain and it could be waterproof.**

 **Til next time my friends xx**


End file.
